The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
