so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
