Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize