Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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