Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
