New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
