im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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