Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
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I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
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There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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