I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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