So drunk its hurt
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
