Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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