They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So apparently I’m into choking now
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
