so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
