Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
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