Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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