party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
