I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
