I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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