Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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