My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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