if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
