My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I could make wine with my vomit
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
