walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
