my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
