you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
