My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
