You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
