I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
