i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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