Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
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She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
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The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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