Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
