theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
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