Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
