I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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