I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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