Only a mothe r could love this liver
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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