I think scott just propositioned me for sex
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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