Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
