she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
