I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
