The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
