Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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