did you get engaged???
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
