sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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