He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
