ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
im six kinds of drunk right now
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
