I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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