so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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