you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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