he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
