So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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