she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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