I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
