Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
