I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
