you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
