Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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