I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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