You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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