I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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